My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
