margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
