I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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