Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
