Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
