it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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