i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
