I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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