So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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