I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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