PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
