A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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