If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i drank out of a bidet.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
