My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize