There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
