even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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