Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
