I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
