i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
