I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
