Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
