i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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