Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
as a side note pls kill me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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