I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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