Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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