And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
