final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize