A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
