Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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