Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
