how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
