He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
