I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
