I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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