And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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