Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
