I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I am one with the molecules
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
