"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
