I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
