I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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