I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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