God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
