Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
