I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
