I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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