I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
