Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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