Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
