I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize