I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
