I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
And then he peed in my hair
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