Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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