worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
