my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
