if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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