i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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