I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
