You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
