my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
