I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
