I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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