If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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