you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
