The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
