apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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