i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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