nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
