i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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