Sacagawea was the original milf.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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